April 29, 2009
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Is It Silly to be a Hopeless Romantic?
I made a post a couple days ago about how I was really going to concentrate on searching for love and searching for a mate. I decided that was more important to me than my search for religious answers, at least for the moment (though I am pretty sure that it always will be). I also figured it would be more productive, because finding someone is a goal that I could possibly achieve, an event that would make me VERY happy if/when it happens.
I know I am definitely at least a bit romantic, and I think I might even fall into the category of being a “hopeless romantic.” Not only did I mention it in that post, but I also talk all the time in real life about how much I desperately want love, and about how much it pains me that I don’t have love (and don’t feel I have ever had it). I want that one special woman who I can hold in my arms and tell her how much she means to me, and show her how much I care for her. It is something I want so much that it often makes me unable to concentrate, and at times has even made me physically ill. I think about it night and day with my heart aching to find it, and it cries out that I don’t have it.
First of all, does this make me a hopeless romantic? I know that pretty much everyone desires love to a point, but it is the one thing I want most out of life, and I would do pretty much anything to get it. I don’t really believe in fate or destiny, nor do I really believe in God anymore, but I still often think that there is one special person out there for me just waiting for me to find her. My rational mind tells me there are probably multiple people who could potentially qualify, but my heart tells me that there is one unique individual out there who will be my soulmate, and nobody else.
Whether this all makes me a hopeless romantic or not, is it silly for me to think such things? Is it silly for me to go around trying to find “the one,” thinking that there will only be one person who will ever fill that part of me that needs companionship? I haven’t had much experience with relationships, so I am still learning exactly what I want in a mate. But it is something I have thought about a LOT, so I think I have a pretty good idea. I also know that whoever I end up in a relationship with that I will give myself completely to her, loving her for who she is, possibly even to my own detriment. Because of my lack of experience though, I am just afraid that I will settle down too quickly, deciding to make a life with the person I am with when there could have been something more. But then again, I don’t want to spend the rest of my life searching and pass up some potentially great opportunities for love.
I know the first task is to find someone, regardless. But I am just wondering if I am going about this the wrong way. Or perhaps I don’t really know who I really am when it comes to relationships and have much to learn. I am still very new at all of this (yes, even being in my mid-20s), so I would really like some advice.
EDIT: I just had a thought about submitting this to Datingish to get some more comments.
EDIT 2: Datingish did put it up, and I have already started to receive comments over there.
Comments (11)
If believing that there’s one special person out there makes you a hopeless romantic, and if being a hopeless romantic makes you silly, then I guess I’m silly, too. I can’t give you much advice, because I’ve never been in love. I wish I didn’t want to fall in love; I know there are people who are perfectly happy on their own, and I wish I could be one of them. Alas, I’m not. *insert dramatic sigh*
I feel like I’m getting a better idea of what I want as the years go by. It’s funny to look back at my 20-year-old self. We think we’re adults then, that we know everything, that our opinions and beliefs are fully formed, and that we’ll never change (or, at least, that we won’t change in any significant way). I almost shudder to think about what my life would have been like had I chosen to be with someone I was compatible with when I was 20. Unless he’d changed right along with me in tandem, I’d be living with someone who would probably not be compatible with me today. I’ve heard it said that your 20s are about finding yourself, figuring out who you are and who you want to be. I think that’s probably true.
@LadyLibellule - Thanks for commenting. It is something I just really want so badly, and wonder if I will ever get it. But at the same time, I feel that some people will think I am crazy and irrational that it means so much to me.
And I was a VERY different person when I was 20. I was still a very pious Christian, had met the woman who would later become my fiancee, and I was just generally naive and ignorant about so many things. Some of it was the way I was raised and some of it was my own choice, but I still look back on it now and shake my head, frustrated that I could have ever been that way. It seems like so long ago, yet only seven years have passed. If I had settled with the person I “loved” at that point, I know for damn sure that I wouldn’t be happy right now. In many respects, since I was such a different person in my early 20s I feel like I am kind of a “late bloomer when it comes to learning a lot of those aspects about myself, which is also part of why I feel so silly about it sometimes.
That’s a pretty natural desire and a basic human need. Arguably, it’s instinctive to look for a mate. So, no… You’re not crazy or irrational for wanting someone to share your life with.
You are, by no means, running late in your development. Society, in general and the United States specifically, has changed the age at which marriage is expected, etc. It isn’t so unusual for people to live with their parents well into their 20′s these days, for instance. It also isn’t unusual for people to be established individuals with their own homes before finding a relationship they consider marriage-worthy.
It’s not a silly quest. At least you know what you want, right? You want a specific relationship, which means you aren’t likely to settle for someone that is ill-matched. Be patient! Good things come to those who… something.
@Automaton_Emotion - Thanks for the encouragement. I really appreciate it. It just gets really hard to be patient sometimes, especially when it seems like everyone my age is either married or in a serious relationship. And I feel like a late bloomer because I feel like I am still very new to romantic relationships in general, learning things that other people were learning in their late teens and early 20s. I really haven’t had that much experience with them at all, just because I was a very different person back then. So I hear people talk about their relationships now, talking about how many people they have dated, and I feel like I am way behind.
psychology rant FTW!
So Maslow ranks this in his hierarchy of needs. According to him, if you are seeking that kind of a relationship it doesn’t make you some hopeless romantic, it means you’ve hit that stage of life. You’ve satisfied all of your basic physiological and safety needs, and are now moving on to something more meaningful, think of it as a step along the way. Don’t forget, the stages aren’t cemented, so you could be reaching some of them while not finishing others completely. For example, I have not had a single successful romantic relationship, but I have enough love from friends and family that I am somewhat able to work on the fourth and fifth levels towards self-actualization as well as trying to find a romantic relationship.
also, this sort of thing represents a physiological change in the brain. Being in love is actually visible on MRI scans of the brain, as it releases all kinds of lovely neurotransmitters, so it’s only normal to desire that state, especially after one has experienced it previously.
Lastly, the desire for companionship is explained by many psychologists in many different ways. Type companionship into Wikipedia and you’ll see what I mean.
Psychology rant over.
I know none of that probably addresses what you actually want to know, but I tend to look at the world from that perspective so that’s what I would have wanted to know if I were asking, so I figured I’d share haha
Not silly.
Yes, there could conceivably be more than one person who would fill the bill, but once you’ve found one, you quit looking, so the point is moot! The most important thing of all when searching for a soul mate is simply to be yourself, get to know people, don’t posture and try to impress them. You want someone who loves you for YOU – anything else is not worth it and will not endure. Someone you can be comfortable with, have fun with, and talk to about anything. Don’t get distracted by physical beauty or sexual attraction. Those things, interestingly enough, grow like crazy when your souls are connected, but physical attraction does not make deeper connections appear.
So waht’s up with changing the rating on your site? I had to go adjust my settings to even get here! Are you going to start posting nasty stuff or what???
Btw, I like your new pic! The other one always struck me as more sad than fun somehow!. like you were drowning your sorrows. Perhaps because when I first came here you were suicidal… So yes, this seems like a good change.
@homefire - Yeah, I think that inner beauty is much more important than outer beauty. While outer beauty certainly is nice, it fades after awhile. The person you are going to bond better with is the person who you have a deep connection with, far beyond the physical. Plus, you may find someone who is absolutely gorgeous on the outside and they have a horrible personality and treat people like crap. Again, physical attraction is a good thing, and I think it is somewhat important. It just isn’t the number one quality to look for. If I had to choose between inner and outer beauty, I would definitely choose inner beauty.
And you are not the first person who has commented about my rating. I haven’t changed the rating on my site, so I don’t know what the deal is. It has always been D because of some of the stuff I was writing involving cursing, drinking, and wanting to kill myself. I didn’t think some of it would be appropriate for a younger audience. But that was a long time ago (we’re talking years) that I set that rating.
@homefire - I can see how that old pic would have given that impression. I first put it up because I thought it showed me having some fun and would get a few laughs. But I can see how it could have been interpreted the other way, especially in light of the fact I was dealing with major depression. Once again, you weren’t the only person who thought that.
I think I like this new pic and am going to stick with it for now.
@gsmith03 - Weird about the ratings. Evidently they hadn’t been working for a long time, becaus I’ve never gotten it before. Maybe some of this extended xanga maintenance lately fixed that?
@homefire - Yeah, I think there’s still some stuff messed up. I noticed out of nowhere that a bunch of just appeared in my newest post at random. I’ve also tried to make replies, but it keeps messing up what I’m trying to say. It’s getting really annoying.