March 29, 2009
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A Little Background
All I can say is, “Wow.”
I definitely did not expect the massive amounts of readers and comments I received on my post, “The Prayer of a Desperate Agnostic.” I have never had a post featured before, and never have I received so many views, comments, rec’s, or friend requests on one post. I have had Xanga sign-in lock and friends lock on for such a long time. The last several years of my life have been really rough, and I put the locks on because I was hesitant to make too public the personal stuff I have been going through. So for all of you new people who have now subscribed to my site (and/or are now friends with me), I would like to give you a little bit of background so you know where I am coming from with that post. I don’t know how you all will react to this information, but I feel it is important that I tell you. I have always felt that honesty is the best policy regarding anything, so I want to paint you an honest picture of my life to this point. And just so you know, I do plan to take what each of you said into account. There was just so much feedback that it is going to take some time for me to fully (and fairly) digest all of it.
I was raised in a Christian (Southern Baptist, conservative) home, and went to church from the time I was a little kid. I read (and had read to me) the Bible on multiple occasions, and even started memorizing Bible verses from an early age. I became a Christian when I was young, though I had pretty much believed it my entire life up until then. After several years of “officially” being a Christian, I really started to get very active and committed to my beliefs. I became very active in church, reading my Bible, praying, and in general trying to live a good Christian life. I eventually surrendered to the pastoral ministry, went to a Christian college, and became engaged to a Christian woman. I wholeheartedly believed for a long time, even having many experiences that I could only describe as “visits” or “messages” from God. Was I really a Christian? Without a doubt. I believed in Jesus Christ with all my heart, believed that he had died for my sins and was resurrected, and had invited him into my heart to be my Savior. If a Christian wishes to come along and discredit my salvation, then I would ask them to examine their own faith. I had (what you describe and what I used to describe) as a personal relationship with Christ, so before you start questioning the validity of my faith, I suggest you look in the mirror.
I have always had a questioning mind, always asking “Why?” even sometimes when it wasn’t deemed appropriate for me to do so. Somewhere along the line in my Christian life, my mind started having all these questions about what I believed. I tried to shove them down for as long as I could, just because I enjoyed my relationship with God, believed with all my heart, and the questions endangered all of that. Some of these questions were logical in nature, some were more existential, and some were questions of conscience. I would try to ask the questions in church or other Christian settings, often times in a devil’s advocate sort of way, yet the answers people came back with were always lacking. Many times they wouldn’t even try to answer and would just tell me to pray more, read my Bible more, go to church more, or have more faith. No matter how much I tried to ignore them, the questions just persisted all the more. So I started becoming more active in church, reading my Bible, praying, etc., partly because I wanted to find answers and also partly because I wanted to saturate my life with Christianity in hope that the questions would go away. I started reading many Christian apologetics books by C.S. Lewis, Josh McDowell, Lee Strobell, and others, yet none of these ever answered my questions satisfactorily. I had even gotten to the point where I was in doubt about my own eternal security, all because of Pascal’s Wager. I was afraid that another religion’s version of “Hell” might be the correct one, and as a Christian I might be doomed to it instead. As a Christian, if Christianity turns out to be wrong you may actually have something to lose, despite what Pascal said to the contrary. Believe me, the very LAST thing I wanted to do was leave my faith. I had a good life as a Christian, I was going to be getting married, and I already had a plan for how my life was going to be going. I also knew that leaving Christianity would hurt so many people in my inner circle, and that was something that I absolutely did not want to do.
After years of trying to find the answers within church and Christianity, I decided I had to start searching outside of Christianity. Again, this was not an option I wanted to pursue, yet the questions kept nagging at my mind and I had to have answers. I had done an exhaustive search within Christianity, and I regrettably came to the conclusion that the answers to my questions would have to be found elsewhere. And so, I decided to leave my faith. I didn’t make this public at first, but the inner torture from not telling anyone (especially people like my fiancee) was just too great. I finally “came out” to my friends and family about what I believed, and the reaction was just as I anticipated. My fiancee broke up with me, my relations with my family became considerably strained, and I lost many friends. My life came crashing down around me, and it would take me a long time to recover. I dealt with major depression and suicidal thoughts for quite awhile. I don’t know how many of you will react to that, but that is the truth. I often described the feeling (especially about what happened with my fiancee) as my heart being “ripped out of my chest, stomped on, diced up into little pieces and force-fed back to me.” It was an extremely painful experience, one that I would never want anyone else to share.
All of these events did temporarily halt my search, but I eventually managed to pick up my search again, this time incorporating sources from outside Christianity. I started reading books by Dan Barker, Sam Harris, and Christopher Hitchens, and a lot of what they said really seemed to make a lot of sense. I also started researching other religions and philosophies, such as deism, Buddhism, Islam, and humanism. I also went back and started re-reading some of my other Christian sources, but from the new perspective I now had. I read “Mere Christianity” by C.S. Lewis. I read “The Case for Christ” by Lee Strobell. I even started reading the Bible again. I have also had other Christian sources recommended to me since then (I know many of the people who commented recommended some as well), such as Ravi Zacharias and Ray Comfort. I read all of these sources (Christian and non-Christian) with as open-minded of a perspective as I could, because I really wanted to know the truth, whatever that may be.
Where am I at now? As my last post suggests, I still don’t know what the answers are. I still have to classify myself as an agnostic, just because I still don’t know. To be honest, I don’t think it is possible for us to know. There is “evidence” used by all sides to support their claims, a lot of it that seems contradictory, and it is hard to sort through all of it and determine what really is true and what is not. Though the more I search, the farther I seem to get from Christianity. I can believe in God, but the more I research and the more I think, the less I think that the god of Christianity is the true God, if God even exists at all. There is so much I see in the world that doesn’t jive with the “God” proposed by Christians, and therefore I have not been able to go back to Christianity. It is also a HUGE step to go from believing in God to believing in Christianity (or any other religion). A lot of religious people offer their “proof” that God exists, and then seem to assume that if you then believe in God that you will believe their religion. It doesn’t necessarily even follow that a belief in God has anything to do with religion at all. I may pursue a “relationship” with God, but (despite what a lot of Christians say to the contrary) that doesn’t mean it has to be in a Christian sense. Can I have a relationship with God without religion? Can I have a relationship with God without the Bible? I think, if it is possible to have a relationship with God at all, that these are very possible. Though as my search progresses, I seem to be leaning more and more toward the idea that God doesn’t exist at all, that the whole notion was just posited by human beings eons ago. As Dan Barker put it, “extraordinary claims require extraordinary evidence,” and I simply do not see extraordinary evidence for the existence of God. Perhaps I am looking in the wrong places. Perhaps I am not considering all the options. Perhaps my mind isn’t as open as I’d like to think it is. I have limitations, and I know that the reason(s) for not seeing it may very well be caused by these limitations. I also know that I am not perfect, and so if there is any fault to be found I am sure I bear my share of the blame. There is just so much to sort through and I have a hard time finding inner peace with anything I have encountered, no matter how hard I try.
I don’t know how many of you, my readers, will react to this. It may offend you, it may encourage you, it may challenge you. I don’t know. I just feel that the most important thing in my search is to be honest, honest with myself and with everyone else. This is where I am at right now.
Comments (5)
I wish I knew the words to give you. How does one describe the indescribable? There are those who do not believe, who will never believe, and will make explanations for everything a Christian might use to point out signs of our God. And yet, even in those explanations, offered in disbelief, I see evidence of a god. The perfect cycles of the tiniest life forms to the massive, from the grain of sand to the mountain peak, the accomplishments of a single blood cell in my own body – the extraordinary diversity and complexity on a planet nestled in a solar system in a universe is too much to be chance. Every new discovery in science fills me with wonder. How extraordinary is this world we live in! I think about the design of the human body – how incredibly well put-together it is – and add to that the ability to think, reason, imagine, create…how am I able to do that?
I know a lot of this is cliché Christian talk that won’t convince most people. I don’t know how to convince someone, especially those who are determined not to be convinced in a god – in intelligent design and whatever other mumbo jumbo I believe in.
I have always been curious about those who believed once, then stopped believing. I have a hard time understanding it. I do think everyone should ask questions about what they believe. I get rather frustrated with Christians who fear questions. If you believe God gave you a brain and the power of reason, then why don’t you use it? You know what I mean?
Whatever the outcome, I sincerely hope you find peace.
Of all the men who spoke since the beginning of time. Jesus impressed me the most. And for that, I follow Christ.
I do not follow “christianity” because every thing that attaches it’s self to that name falls short. There is just to much faith in the founding fathers of splintered sects of Christianity. What they say about God is to be accepted. I can’t
I often see myself following him and like the disiples hearing his words for the first time. They are like life to me. I literally feel a sensation when I here his words.
But I have known doubt, anger, resentment, and forsaking this “religion”. I once told God that if these are his people I want no part of him. But he is not in doubt, anger, resentment, and people. He stands in front of me and shows me his nailed scared hands and does not blame anyone. I crucified him and all he has for me is love. I did nothing for him and blame him for everything.
There was no greater feeling than when I broke down and cryed at his feet. He held me tight and love flowed over this undeserving person. Then he allowed me to follow him. As if I were worthy.
I have looked into his eyes. I have felt his love. I need his forgiveness.
Having said all that, I understand a world who rejects the validity of my experiences. Maybe I’m crazy. But I’m good crazy. If people didn’t believe Jesus. They won’t believe me. But if I do not follow my heart, I reject Christ. I can’t do that.
If I can’t reject Christ, how could I reject you. You are my brother.
If you keep reading those books. Keep searching through Amazon.com for more books for Christianity. For more books against Christianity. You will never be at peace if you seek peace by constantly turning the pages of people’s written opinions. There’s always an argument. And for that argument, there’s an argument. And for that argument, there’s an argument. And so on.
It’s like you said, “Though the more I search, the farther I seem to get from Christianity.”
Yes, I am a Christian, and I found the comments above me to be very edifying.
But let me tell you, hypothetically speaking, if I was a struggling agnostic and after reading a bunch of books, I came to the conclusion that there is a God and that Christ is the right path, without the faith, the genuine love, it would mean absolutely nothing.
I was not a Christian growing up and my parents didn’t instill any spiritual beliefs in me. I don’t know a single person who accepted Christ as their savior after reading a bunch of books from both sides. They were saved by having a moment with God. An encounter with the Holy Spirit was enough for them. Or it all started with a friend inviting them to church, or a friend shared with them their testimony.
As you said in your last post, you were a believing Christian who prayed and had a relationship with Jesus. I don’t think it’s possible to have that again when you mechanically conclude that Christianity is the right path. I don’t think it can be possible for someone to resolve to Christianity after reading pro and anti Christian books in an attempt to see which side is right.
When you were a Christian, I’m sure you felt something. And I’m not too sure what I mean when I say something. A 6th sense? An awe of God’s creation? The Holy Spirit? If you have, as a Christian I would say trying to tap into that again is your best way to judge the truthfulness of Christianity, as opposed to books that have done you, as I can tell from reading, barely any good. You might have more information and become more educated in these different arguments, but you’re still unresolved and still undone.
A lot of Christians today (especially in America I would say) have kind of lost their touch with reality. Responses like “Oh, it is in God’s will” or “I know it was for the best” to tough situations kind of show that they are denying their true nature. Copout responses to their true feelings. In contrast, the people in the Bible were true to themselves, cussing their heads off when they had a serious tiff with God. Thank you for truthfulness. Thank your for being genuine.
I will be praying for you (whether you like it or not) :]
George, Thank you for sharing your thoughts, your background and such a genuine prayer.
I don’t know you, but God has known you even before you were born (Psalm 139). Without your consent, I have lifted up a prayer for you – to the One who knows and understands you.
Take care, George.
Looks like you have quite a few Christian readers…
I like posts like this. It’s so interesting to see where people are coming from. I find it especially fascinating because I don’t have such a story; I was never a Christian, so asking all those questions about Jesus and God never put me in a position of discomfort.
I don’t like saying I’m an atheist, because I’m not. But I don’t like saying I’m a theist, either, because most people assume that if you believe in a god, you believe in a personified god (which I don’t). I do think there’s something more to it all, even if it’s just some sort of ordering principle that kicked off the Big Bang. Not exactly an atheist idea, but it sure doesn’t fit in with traditional religious beliefs like Christianity, either!
I don’t know if you read my post on evolution, but you might find it interesting. I’m afraid I don’t have any books to recommend in the Christian apologetic or atheist veins. But if you’re interested, I could send you the titles of some books that I’ve found to be of interest on my own spiritual journey. I’m also not going to tell you to stop reading; sometimes we need to read about a new idea in order to trigger transformation in our own ways of thinking. Hiding from books will only help if you’re determined to go backwards (and it doesn’t sound like that’s what you want).