You know what one of the worst feelings in the world is? Feeling
like you have to throw up, you run to the bathroom and hug the toilet,
and then you just sit there feeling like you are going to hurl any
second, but you never do.
And I have a freaking test in four hours. I can't sleep, and I
can already assure you I will probably be up the rest of the night
anticipating more trips to the porcelain god.
What is faith, and why must we have it? All religions, whether it
be Christianity, Islam, or Hinduism have faith in some sort of
afterlife, even if that "afterlife" means being reincarnated. All
believe that their religion is the "true" religion, and while some say
you can believe other religions, most are pretty exclusive. By
nature, man wants to believe in something higher than himself that
gives him reason for being here, and this usually means believing in
some sort of God that cares for them. Man will cling to this
desperately, despite any evidence to the contrary, and understandably
so, as he loses his reason for being if this fundamental belief is
destroyed. Man also is inherently stubborn, always having to be
right, no matter what, and this plays into religion.
Therefore, can we tell what religion, if any, is "right"? All
religions believe that they are the right one, including Christianity,
yet all of them will say they are unique. While some followers of
every religion are inclusive, the religion itself is exclusive.
Islam teaches its followers to wage war against the infidels, the
enemies of Islam, which is basically people of different beliefs.
Christianity has John 14:6, which tells us that Jesus is the only way
to eternal life. Hinduism has differing levels of kharma, and as
you gain more kharma you are reincarnated as a higher being, basically
meaning that you must eventually be a devout follower of Hinduism in
order to attain the highest kharma. Since all of them believe
they are the right one, yet they do not agree on theology, all of them
cannot theologically be the right one. On the other hand, just
because all of them say they are the right one doesn't mean that any
one of them is the right one. The first question we have to ask
is does theology even matter? Perhaps the important thing is just
to have something to believe in, and it doesn't matter if it is the
right belief system or not. But if theology is important, how do
we know which one to choose? Do we just pick one at random, and
hope it is right? That hardly seems logical. Do we go with
our gut instinct? Instincts are wrong all the time. Do we
go with what is popular? A bandwagon philosophy for religion also
hardly seems logical. Or do we just stick to what we have been
raised on our entire life, just ignoring any evidence which might
suggest something else, and blindly follow something that we may not
really believe?
That brings up another question. Christianity says you must have
"faith like a child," or "blind faith," where you just trust in
something without any reasoning for doing so. This is a
LIE. You cannot trust in anything without having reason for doing
so. There is that ridiculous chair analogy, where I sit down in a
chair and I "have faith" that it will hold me up. True, the chair
might not hold me up, but I can be pretty sure that it will because I
can use logic to determine that it has been built with the proper
specifications to support my weight. I can also use past
experiences sitting in chairs, and watching other people sit in chairs,
to know that the chair will hold me up. So I hardly have "blind
faith" that the chair will hold me up. I do have reasoning,
whatever that reasoning might be.
Therefore, it has to be the same for religion. You cannot just
blindly believe something without having some sort of reasoning, be it
logical or not, for doing so. For me, as a logical thinker, it
has to be a logical reason, but for someone who thinks differently from
me, it may not have to be a logical reason. Perhaps for somebody
else, even "blind faith" is enough. Of course, in order to
believe in a religion, I would first have to find a logical reason to
even need religion. Yes, religion gives you something to believe
in and something to live for, but it is based totally on something
somebody has told you that you cannot see for yourself. That
person is basing their belief on what somebody told them, and that
somebody is basing their belief on what somebody told them. It is
just so commonplace now that people don't even realize the oral
tradition involved.
Just think about Santa Claus. Your parents told you (well, my
parents didn't) that Santa Claus is real, and that he comes on the
night of Christmas Eve and gives you presents. For many years you
believed this, because you would wake up on Christmas morning and there
would be presents under the tree. Perhaps you saw Santa at the
mall, or maybe you left out milk and cookies and they were
consumed. Eventually, something happened, and you came to the
conclusion that there was a perfectly logical explanation, and it was
NOT Santa Claus. Does anybody else besides me see the STRIKING
resemblance between Santa Claus and God? Somebody told you that
God is real, though you cannot see Him. You believed it to be
true because you "felt him working in your life", or you saw some
"miracle" or something. Maybe, like me, you were raised believing
this your entire life, and everything had something to do with
God. I am beginning to realize that "Santa", at least in the way
I have been raised to believe, does not exist. There will be no
"presents under the tree on Christmas morning." The only
difference between Christianity and Santa is that you are allowed to
grow out of Santa. You cannot "grow out" of God, at least not
without receiving overwhelming persecution and criticism from the
Church.
The whole thing is seeming more and more ridiculous to me, and the more
I vocalize my feelings, the more my life and the lives of those around
me are destroyed. But I am beginning to care less and less about
what people think, and more about finding what is true. If
something isn't true, then no matter how important it is, no matter how
hard it is to let it go, and even no matter who it might hurt by
letting it go, it is just a waste of time to cling to it.
I was going to keep this private, but I really don't care anymore. I am tired of covering everything up and continuing to act like the Christian I am not.
What is the true meaning of life? I mean, really, not just some cop-out church answer. I don't care if it is true or not, or if it is phrased correctly, or if it is said with the proper intent. God, if He does exist, would not create a mind in us capable of thinking for ourselves if He wanted us to be slaves to semantics. God would not create a mind in us capable of reasoning things out on our own if He wanted us to be slaves to a book. If God really wants to give us a choice, then why would He intervene in this world at all? If He performs any miracles of any kind, then we do not have full freedom of choice. Remember the prime directive on Star Trek? You cannot interfere with a developing culture until it reaches out to you, otherwise it will be tainted and will not make its own choices nor fully develop its culture. Therefore, since it is impossible for man to reach out at all to God, divine intervention of any kind is just interfering with choice, and God then contradicts Himself by saying we have choice when we do not. Divine intervention and choice cannot co-exist, and if God does intervene and honestly believes we still have choice, then He is not the all-knowing God He is proclaimed to be.
Deism seems more and more realistic to me. I think a Creator of some sorts had to exist at some point in order to put this universe together. The Big Bang and evolution are just ridiculous to me. But after that, how do we know what the correct religious beliefs are? Many religions believe in Creator god(s), and even if I narrow it down to monotheism, there are still many out there. So how do we know which one (or more) is correct, if any are correct? The answer is always, "You just know" or "You have to have faith." But all religions are firmly convinced, have "faith," if you will, that what they believe is right. So that answer doesn't cut it. I think religion is just a man-made method, firmly adhered to and passed down through many generations (sometimes bordering on brainwashing), of trying to reach out to a God that is not reaching out to us.
I think spirituality, as a whole, is just a higher order emotion, where you have hope in something that gives you strength enough to get through each day, and you are encouraged not to fear death. You have strong "feelings" (some call them "convictions") about certain things, feelings that govern your everyday life and even your other emotions. There is nothing wrong with religion, per se, in fact, I think it is good, because it gives you something to live for. I am just beginning to wonder if any religion is really correct (or wrong, depending on how you look at it), and for myself I am leaning toward a Deistic approach.
I am sure some of you are scared right now, and are probably "praying for my salvation." Some of you may even possibly agree with me deep down, but you do not want to admit it. Some of you are just ignoring this post as just some random spout. And some of you might even be angry that I have been playing the game for so long and have deceived all of you. If you feel that way, I am sorry I made you feel that way, but in reality, I think all of us are playing the game, and most of us are just not ready to admit defeat yet. I am admitting defeat. I just can't do it anymore, and I can no longer keep it inside.
Anyway, take this post for what you will. I just can't keep it bottled up inside anymore.
About time for an update.
I have finally been able to get some rest during January, though I feel
like I am not getting anything done. I am going to be so far
behind on everything once I get back that I don't know how I am going
to get caught up. But the good thing is that I have been getting
some rest finally. I was going to try to get back on a regular
sleep schedule, but that is pretty much pointless since it will be
thrown back off when I start the next semester.
So my Broncos got wiped out of the Playoffs by Peyton Manning and the
Colts, who then went up to Foxborough and got slaughtered the following
week. The Rams won their first game against Seattle, but then
forgot to play the second half against Atlanta. And I forget how
the Chiefs did...oh wait...they didn't go! 
I guess I am cheering for the Eagles now, since I would kind of like to
see them go after how they have been doing. I am tired of New
England, and I still hate Atlanta after Elway and co. mopped them up in
the Super Bowl (it all stems from the "Dirty Bird" dance). I
guess I wouldn't mind the Steelers, but I think I am going for Philly.
How am I doing personally? Well, I'd rather not talk about
that. It just keeps getting worse and worse, but I don't want to
bore you or concern you with the minute details of my life. I'll
put that in a private post.
Anyway, spring semester starts in a week. 
Time flies by.
When things get tough, I think we cling to the most basic things in
life, among which are our survival and the things we value most.
I think all human beings, young and old, male and female, need some
challenge in life, some sort of struggle that we can call our
own. We may not know what it is in our conscious mind, but
subconsciously we value it more than life itself. Although it may
be an impossible task, or it may cause us great pain, we still live for
it and will do anything to keep it. When we have that something
we can cling to, something we can fight for, it gives us the strength
to keep going, pressing on despite the odds and circumstances.
Each of us has our own unique struggle, and indeed it defines who we
are as individuals.
But what happens if we lose our reason for fighting? What happens
when what we are fighting for no longer exists or matters? How do
we keep going, when what we have been fighting for our whole life
suddenly is all for naught? We can cling to that struggle all we
want, but it is irrelevant and illogical to do so. We can pick up
another struggle to deal with, but it just isn't the same as the one we
have been fighting through our entire lives. Our lives truly feel
meaningless and worthless, and understandably so. We have lost
our reason for being, our reason for living.
I'm not so pessimistic about the Broncos' playoff hopes anymore. I've been looking at our remaining four games for the rest of the year, and I think we can go 3-1, giving us a record of 10-6 for the season. We play the Dolphins at home (should win pretty easily), the Chiefs at Arrowhead (close, but I think we'll win), the Titans away (should win), and the Colts at home (probabably lose). Right now we are tied with Baltimore for the bottom wild card spot at 7-5, but Baltimore has a tougher schedule than we do. I think we can edge them out of that spot and make it in. We'll see...
And don't worry about San Diego making it to the big dance, all of you Broncos and Chiefs fans (and the occasional Raider fans that dare show their faces). Their head coach is Marty Schottenheimer, so we know what's going to happen to them in the Playoffs. 
It was sixty-three years ago today, a "day that will live in
infamy. The United States of America was attacked by the Empire
of Japan."
Let us take this time to honor all of those brave men and women who
have given their lives to make this country free, and all of the ones
still putting their lives on the line for us every day. We have
rights in America, but we should not forget how we got those rights and
how we have kept those rights for so long.
I don't see the Broncos making the Playoffs anymore. It's funny,
because at the beginning of the year it looked for sure like we would
win the AFC West. But with our loss to San Diego yesterday, we
are now two games behind them, and tiebreakers now go to them. If
we win all of our last four games and make 11-5, the Bolts would have
to go 1-3 (and become 10-6) for us to win the division. Right now
we are tied with Baltimore for the bottom wild card spot, so I guess it
is still possible, but with the way we've been playing lately, I just
don't see it happening.
Wow...another year of my life has gone by already. I am now 23!!
Jason, John, Blinz, Hank, Dad, and I all went to Lambert's to
celebrate. I got to have steak, $10 off. Though we were
worried we
might have to wash dishes, since we thought Lambert's took plastic and
it turned out they didn't...
I am getting old...
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